Why Dind't They Let an Eagle Carry the Ring to Mordor?

[Öjevind Lång]

It could have flown there in two days, dropped the Ring in the Crack of Doom
and flown back home - game over.
Incidentally, is the pharse "the Crack of Doom" some expression of phobia
against women and their sexual parts? Was Tolkien afraid of sex? Or just of
women?

Öjevind

[Noel Q. von Schneiffel]

Post by Öjevind Lång
It could have flown there in two days, dropped the Ring in the Crack of Doom
and flown back home - game over.
  Incidentally, is the  pharse "the Crack of Doom" some expression of phobia
against women and their sexual parts? Was Tolkien afraid of sex? Or just of
women?

An interesting thought. I just set up a little ad-hoc experiment to
test this theory. I ordered 10 of my female students to undress and
sent them to the town's marketplace, where I will now ask passer-bys
to examine them and judge whether their sexual parts look like
volcanoes. If they do, a connection between female sexual parts and
volcanoes can be assumed which would validate your theory.

I hope this time I will be able to get a statistically significant
number of replies, before the Agents of Evil and Ignorance (who
usually dress up as policemen) interfere with my work again.

Noel

[Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III]

On Dec 7, 4:33 am, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"

Post by Noel Q. von Schneiffel

Post by Öjevind Lång
It could have flown there in two days, dropped the Ring in the Crack of Doom
and flown back home - game over.
  Incidentally, is the  pharse "the Crack of Doom" some expression of phobia
against women and their sexual parts? Was Tolkien afraid of sex? Or just of
women?

An interesting thought. I just set up a little ad-hoc experiment to
test this theory. I ordered 10 of my female students to undress and
sent them to the town's marketplace, where I will now ask passer-bys
to examine them and judge whether their sexual parts look like
volcanoes. If they do, a connection between female sexual parts and
volcanoes can be assumed which would validate your theory.

One can also read genuine sources for Tolkien's biograpy, which
(together with the photographs) make it quite clear that Tolkien had
no problem at all with sex, or even with women (if by women you mean
females), but only wiith humans. I can fully understand his feelings.
I will add that mammalian sex, in general, disgusts me.

Post by Noel Q. von Schneiffel
I hope this time I will be able to get a statistically significant
number of replies, before the Agents of Evil and Ignorance (who
usually dress up as policemen) interfere with my work again.

The solution is for the entire world to accept MORAMBAR's authoriity.
Then police will enforce only His will and that of His Viceregent
(alias me).

If your experiment is good enough for us, it ought to be good enough
for the government. Sheesh. I can't stand attitudes.

[Sean_Q_]

Post by Öjevind Lång
It could have flown there in two days, dropped the Ring in the Crack of
Doom and flown back home - game over.

1. If Tom B. with all his special qualities would have made a most
unsafe guardian, I can't imagine an eagle being any better.

2. The book is already too short (by the author's own admission). This
would have made it even shorter.

3. I think you are overlooking the pteranodons with their dread Riders.
The birds may have been loyal, but to face such foes is not what they
were made for.

4. How was the eagle supposed to carry (and then release) the One?
If it slipped around a claw, he'd have become invisible -- to us
at least, but visible to the D/L. Aerial intercept over Minas Ithil?

5. An eagle would be just as tempted by power as anyone else.
In place of the Dark Lord you would set up... a bird?

SQ

[Phil Quiller]

Post by Sean_Q_

Post by Öjevind Lång
It could have flown there in two days, dropped the Ring in the Crack of
Doom and flown back home - game over.

<snip>

Post by Sean_Q_
3. I think you are overlooking the pteranodons with their dread Riders.
The birds may have been loyal, but to face such foes is not what they
were made for.

Or, if said pteranodons were still in their Dark Aviaries after the
Glarwenfindel "Flight to the Ford" fiasco, then the eagle would still have
had to contend with a balrog hurtling out of the sun at twelve o'clock
high...

<snip>

Post by Sean_Q_
SQ

[Noel Q. von Schneiffel]

Post by Phil Quiller

Post by Sean_Q_
3. I think you are overlooking the pteranodons with their dread Riders.
The birds may have been loyal, but to face such foes is not what they
were made for.

Or, if said pteranodons were still in their Dark Aviaries after the
Glarwenfindel "Flight to the Ford" fiasco, then the eagle would still have
had to contend with a balrog hurtling out of the sun at twelve o'clock
high...

"Hurtling out of the sun"? Well, since the sun is really Arien, a hot
girl (ahem) in a boat...

...I don't think I want to know what the balrog was doing "in" her.

Noel

[Clams Canino]

Post by Phil Quiller
Or, if said pteranodons were still in their Dark Aviaries after the
Glarwenfindel "Flight to the Ford" fiasco, then the eagle would still have
had to contend with a balrog hurtling out of the sun at twelve o'clock
high...

Dark riders *needed* pteranodons to fly on, balrogs could use thier own
wings.

-W <runs from room>

[Öjevind Lång]

"Clams Canino" <cc-***@earthdink.net> skrev i meddelandet news:GtCdne73V-***@earthlink.com...

[snip]

Post by Clams Canino
Dark riders *needed* pteranodons to fly on, balrogs could use thier own
wings.
-W <runs from room>

Claiming that balrogs had wings is trasking and insulting them in the worst
possible manner.

Öjevind

[Clams Canino]

Post by Öjevind Lång
Claiming that balrogs had wings is trasking and insulting them in the worst
possible manner.

I can't believe I caught a fish with that stinky bait.

-W

[Phil Quiller]

Post by Clams Canino

Post by Phil Quiller
Or, if said pteranodons were still in their Dark Aviaries after the
Glarwenfindel "Flight to the Ford" fiasco, then the eagle would still have
had to contend with a balrog hurtling out of the sun at twelve o'clock
high...

Dark riders *needed* pteranodons to fly on, balrogs could use thier own
wings.
-W <runs from room>

Um, yes - that's how they hurtled out of the sun... <scratches head at
missed humour...>

[Derek Broughton]

Post by Phil Quiller
Um, yes - that's how they hurtled out of the sun... <scratches head at
missed humour...>

Clue: There were no balrogs in that scene...

[Taemon]

Post by Öjevind Lång
Incidentally, is the pharse "the Crack of Doom" some expression of
phobia against women and their sexual parts? Was Tolkien afraid of
sex? Or just of women?

He certainly seems to have had a rather... platonic idea about sex, as
expressed in the books. I often wonder what Edith was like. I'd like to know
more about her.

T.

[Apteryx]

Post by Öjevind Lång
It could have flown there in two days, dropped the Ring in the Crack of
Doom and flown back home - game over.

But there is no indication that the Crack of Doom is open to the sky, and
every indication that it is not. Frodo, Sam, and Gollum access it by a cleft
in the side of Mt Doom, the Sammath Naur, and inside that there is
apparently a "high black roof" over the Crack of Doom.

A giant Eagle could not have simply flown over and dropped the ring, and it
may well be too large to get through the Sammath Naur if it landed outside.
It could only be done by an Eagle carrying a Hobbit, carrying the ring.

So the question becomes, how far can a fully-laden Eagle fly? And does it
depend on whether it is an Eriadoran Eagle, or one from Far Harad?

[Jim Harker]

Well...
It wouldn't have been a very interesting story , would it?

Jim

Post by Öjevind Lång
It could have flown there in two days, dropped the Ring in the Crack of
Doom and flown back home - game over.
Incidentally, is the pharse "the Crack of Doom" some expression of
phobia against women and their sexual parts? Was Tolkien afraid of sex?
Or just of women?
Öjevind

[Noel Q. von Schneiffel]

Post by Jim Harker
Well...
It wouldn't have been a very interesting story , would it?
Jim

This is not a valid response. Tolkien told the Truth. Whatever he
wrote is exactly what happened. If an Eagle had carried the Ring to
Mount Doom, then Tolkien would have reported exactly that, without any
alterations, omissions or additions to create a "more interesting
story". Do you call Tolkien a liar?

Be assured, if an Eagle had carried the Ring, Tolkien, being the most
masterful and brilliant writer ever, would have found a way to
describe it in such a vivid and artful way that the resulting story
would have been every bit as good, one hundred percent as awesome, as
LotR in its current form. Anyone who claims something else inplies
that Tolkien was not able to write a good story, and therefore hates
Tolkien and is a despicable heretic.

By the way, it seems that neither you nor Sean or Apteryx realized
that this question has been asked, answered, parodied, and the
parodies parodied about 17 times, and that is counting only the
occasions where Öjevind Lang was involved, a notorious troll,
translator in the tradition of Ake Ohlmarks, TEUNC "humourist" and, I
believe, at least half Sus Scrofa.

Noel

[Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III]

On Dec 10, 5:41 am, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"

Post by Noel Q. von Schneiffel

Post by Jim Harker
Well...
It wouldn't have been a very interesting story , would it?
Jim

This is not a valid response. Tolkien told the Truth. Whatever he
wrote is exactly what happened. If an Eagle had carried the Ring to
Mount Doom, then Tolkien would have reported exactly that, without any
alterations, omissions or additions to create a "more interesting
story". Do you call Tolkien a liar?

Yes, though we must take account sometimes of material that Tolkien
was forced, whether by his publishers, Christopher, or occasionally
even Edith, to remove from the story. Things like the Gimli-Éowyn
romance and the elvish aquarium orgy. People are so narrow-minded. But
in this case, I think the explanation is simply that the Eagles were
unionized and didn't have a work ethic. And they probably worked for
DC public transit, which is also why the escalators in Middle-earth
never worked.

Post by Noel Q. von Schneiffel
By the way, it seems that neither you nor Sean or Apteryx realized
that this question has been asked, answered, parodied, and the
parodies parodied about 17 times, and that is counting only the
occasions where Öjevind Lang was involved, a notorious troll,
translator in the tradition of Ake Ohlmarks, TEUNC "humourist" and, I
believe, at least half Sus Scrofa.

True, though he does have interesting insights at times. But I think
he's hung out with too many balrogs.

And frankly, I've never understood this mania for parody in any case.
Better to learn the Truth in humility from reputable sources like
http://fats.teunc.org than to make a mockery of all that is holy.

Glory to MORAMBAR!

[h***@swirve.com]

On Dec 10, 4:02 pm, "Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III"

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III
On Dec 10, 5:41 am, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"

<snip|

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III

Post by Noel Q. von Schneiffel
By the way, it seems that neither you nor Sean or Apteryx realized
that this question has been asked, answered, parodied, and the
parodies parodied about 17 times, and that is counting only the
occasions where Öjevind Lang was involved, a notorious troll,
translator in the tradition of Ake Ohlmarks, TEUNC "humourist" and, I
believe, at least half Sus Scrofa.

True, though he does have interesting insights at times. But I think
he's hung out with too many balrogs.
And frankly, I've never understood this mania for parody in any case.
Better to learn the Truth in humility from reputable sources likehttp://fats.teunc.orgthan to make a mockery of all that is holy.
Glory to MORAMBAR!

Glory to MORAMBAR! Praise him with great praise! Piss be with him!
However, before the TEUNC scum are consigned to the Netherlands where
there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, it is pertinent to stress that
no serious Tolkien scholar would never neglect to mention that a major
river in Gondor was called Ringló. RING-ló. What more evidence do the
Wise need?

Horus Engels

[Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III]

Post by h***@swirve.com
On Dec 10, 4:02 pm, "Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III"

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III
On Dec 10, 5:41 am, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"

<snip|

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III

Post by Noel Q. von Schneiffel
By the way, it seems that neither you nor Sean or Apteryx realized
that this question has been asked, answered, parodied, and the
parodies parodied about 17 times, and that is counting only the
occasions where Öjevind Lang was involved, a notorious troll,
translator in the tradition of Ake Ohlmarks, TEUNC "humourist" and, I
believe, at least half Sus Scrofa.

True, though he does have interesting insights at times. But I think
he's hung out with too many balrogs.
And frankly, I've never understood this mania for parody in any case.
Better to learn the Truth in humility from reputable sources likehttp://fats.teunc.org thanto make a mockery of all that is holy.
Glory to MORAMBAR!

Glory to MORAMBAR! Praise him with great praise! Piss be with him!
However, before the TEUNC scum are consigned to the Netherlands where
there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, it is pertinent to stress that
no serious Tolkien scholar would never neglect to mention that a major
river in Gondor was called Ringló. RING-ló. What more evidence do the
Wise need?

That's very elevated and correct, apart perhaps for the "piss" part,
since MORAMBAR has no need of such. I was also interested to find out
that Lewis's favorite food was herRING. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

How is the research going?

[h***@swirve.com]

On Dec 11, 4:42 pm, "Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III"
<snip>

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III

Post by h***@swirve.com
Glory to MORAMBAR! Praise him with great praise! Piss be with him!
However, before the TEUNC scum are consigned to the Netherlands where
there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, it is pertinent to stress that
no serious Tolkien scholar would never neglect to mention that a major
river in Gondor was called Ringló. RING-ló. What more evidence do the
Wise need?

That's very elevated and correct, apart perhaps for the "piss" part,
since MORAMBAR has no need of such. I was also interested to find out
that Lewis's favorite food was herRING. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.
How is the research going?

The research goes passing well, though an increase in my grant would
facilitate my holy task of exposing the lies disseminated by the Evil
One in Provence. The Christopherites and Bombadil-worshippers have
absorbed so many of them that even their prorous brains are now
saturated. Perhaps MORAMBAR can help them; even Emily Post and Paul
Wolfowitz have given up.

I also wish someone would remove the armadillos from my bed.

Horus Engels

[Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III]

Post by h***@swirve.com
On Dec 11, 4:42 pm, "Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III"

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III
How is the research going?

The research goes passing well, though an increase in my grant would
facilitate my holy task of exposing the lies disseminated by the Evil
One in Provence.

Though you have plenty of Mandatory Undergraduate Disciples, it is
true that your graduate program could use beefing up. Graduate
students have evinced a strange reluctance to sign up for your
courses. I'll see about creating a One Sphinx to Rule them All
scholarship.

The Christopherites and Bombadil-worshippers have

Post by h***@swirve.com
absorbed so many of them that even their prorous brains are now
saturated. Perhaps MORAMBAR can help them; even Emily Post and Paul
Wolfowitz have given up.

That reminds me that copies of Slytherina Knickerblogger's Golden FATS
Book of Netiquette are on sale for only $435! Special limited edition!
Order now, while supplies last!

Remember: quoting Christopher is rude!

Post by h***@swirve.com
I also wish someone would remove the armadillos from my bed.

That sounds like an excellent class activity for your students.

[Noel Q. von Schneiffel]

On 16 Dez., 15:52, "Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III"

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III

Post by h***@swirve.com
I also wish someone would remove the armadillos from my bed.

That sounds like an excellent class activity for your students.

You can give them to me, if you like. I think sleeping on armadillos
would be an excellent way to harden my body against the continuing
attacks of heretics and slanderers. If only Denethor had known! He had
nothing but chainmail.

Noel

[Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III]

On Dec 16, 10:39 am, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"

Post by Noel Q. von Schneiffel
On 16 Dez., 15:52, "Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III"

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III

Post by h***@swirve.com
I also wish someone would remove the armadillos from my bed.

That sounds like an excellent class activity for your students.

You can give them to me, if you like. I think sleeping on armadillos
would be an excellent way to harden my body against the continuing
attacks of heretics and slanderers. If only Denethor had known! He had
nothing but chainmail.

Very good. Dr. Engels is authorized to dispatch slave-level students
with said edentates to your mushroom. Given under my tentacle 17
JRRTember, anno Tolkieni 116.

Tolkien hated armadillos because they're democrats.

[Öjevind Lång]

"Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III" <***@fats.teunc.org> skrev i
meddelandet news:fd516f2a-e6f4-4a4e-995d-***@35g2000pry.googlegroups.com...

[snip]

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III
Tolkien hated armadillos because they're democrats.

Furthermore, there was a serious attempt to seduce his wife Edith by a
Colombian called Amadeo Armadillo.

Öjevind

[Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III]

Post by Öjevind Lång
[snip]

Post by Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III
Tolkien hated armadillos because they're democrats.

Furthermore, there was a serious attempt to seduce his wife Edith by a
Colombian called Amadeo Armadillo.

He also kept her well supplied with cocaine. Their correspondence
makes interesting reading. Some maintain that Tolkien thought he was
an agent of Franco at first. Not that bourgeois morality was really
that big a thing in the Tolkien household. Theirs was a high destiny,
but one can't really say it was lonely.

(Videos available to top donors only. Sorry.)

[Apteryx]

Post by Noel Q. von Schneiffel
By the way, it seems that neither you nor Sean or Apteryx realized
that this question has been asked, answered, parodied, and the
parodies parodied about 17 times

I think we did. Or at the very least, at least 33.3*% of us did. The
Philosophy Department of the University of Woolloomooloo offers a course on
the history of this very interesting debate.